Friday, April 23, 2010

Things I don't normally talk about

Death.

There's nothing concrete about the thing until you yourself face it. I mean, sure, there are various dictionary definitions and there could be a million or more assumptions about death and dying. But the thing is, our faith only takes us as far regarding this topic.

Yesterday, I found out about an online friend passing. I met her through a Rihanna forum and yes, she's one huge Rihanna fan. I've learned she was planning to see her world tour several times in different countries. She was 16 years old. She would have had an amazing future ahead of her if she weren't gone so soon. I, myself, despite my faith, question why things like this have to happen to people like her. I'm just human, it's simply an automatic response. But as I think through it, I remember what I have grown to believe, that life-changing instances like death happen for a reason and that reason is only known to God Himself.

I fear the day that I will get to experience losing someone I love so easily, though, for I am not sure how or if my faith will be enough to pull me through that certain stuation. The only closest loved one I lost is my grandfather from my mother's side, and it was somehow, someway acceptable since he died at the age of 90. And we're happy when he closed his eyes peacefully because we know that his suffering has ended and he is now in God's company. From what I have noticed, my Lolo's passing actually made the family grow closer. We were close before but whenever we have gatherings to celebrate his birthday or any other family occasion we have, everyone just have their little funny anecdote. Somehow, I think that's one reason God took my Lolo when He did, because he wanted us to live happier and more peaceful.

Talk of my parents dying is a different story. It's kind of my blind spot. My dad often gives me this talk about how we would eventually have to carry on with our lives without them soon, blah blah blah... Everytime he starts I just zone out. I listen but I try to distract myself so as to not be affected and break down in tears eventually. I know that that is an inevitable situation but I'd like for my parents to still be here when I get married, you know, and have grandkids that they'll get the chance to raise and take care of. (Oh dear, God, hear my prayers.)

Sometimes I think I become very afraid of death to happen before my eyes to my most cherished loved ones that it has invaded my dreams and turned them into nightmares. I remember vividly how my best friend and my brother died in my dreams. Such horrendous situations, if you ask me. So terrifying for me, actually, that on the two occasions that I dreamt about it I woke up sobbing. Like, literally tears were overflowing from my eyes. I'd rather have Dementor nightmares than this kind of dreams any night.

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