Friday, May 14, 2010

Out in the open


This afternoon I had an awful lot of ample time to myself and silence. But then I realized that having that kind of luxury isn't really good for me, at least, at this time. I know I may seem to be okay everyday, simply enjoying living under above average circumstances, given that it is the summer vacation, but this afternoon I realized that I'm not. After forcing myself to get out of my unhealthy trance, I wasn't even planning to write about it. But alas, writing about it seems to be the best idea right now to just let my so called "feelings" out to help loosen me up even for a bit.

I realized I still have a lot of undealt with issues up my sleeve and I don't know if I'll be able to actually deal with them soon. I mean, I want to, but I just don't know how. Being a secluded type of person won't help in the least bit, I'm sure. I'm still not good with expressing my feelings in words towards the people closest to me, the people I love. I think I got that trait from my mom, if psychological traits get passed on from parent to child. Anyway, more than half of what's built up inside me no one knows besides myself and God. So at this point in time, I'm just really totally open with one being and gosh, it's hard. But I have strong faith and I know and believe that He is and will be there for me no matter what the circumstances are.

So I'm pretty much still a mess right now after writing those two paragraphs. I think what I need is someone to talk to, like a stranger who's kind-looking and a potential friend and has unbiased thoughts about me, whom I would just spill all these thoughts and feelings to and he/she would just be there listening to me, offering kind words every now and then. Yes, I think that's what I need. But since I obviously don't have that now, I think reading Harry Potter or watching a movie will do as a distraction.

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