Turning 26

Hi!!!

It's my birthday today! As a gift to myself, I decided to throw caution to the wind and start blogging again. In the last couple of months, I realized that I have too much to say for it all to be bottled up inside my head. I might just go crazy!!

The days leading up to today hasn't been easy for the world. Tragedy after tragedy seem to have happened within the span of days. Being the kind of person that I am, I was very saddened and my heart felt heavy knowing that the world is suffering, with the thought that I'd be celebrating my birthday in the same week. When I woke up today though, after I said a small prayer with thanks for another morning, another day, another year, something within me settled.

I realized that I am just a small speck in this big wide world. I'm an even tinier bit of dust in the whole universe. But I am here. I exist. I am breathing. And that is surely a lot to be thankful for. I know I am not able to do much to help fix the bad things happening in this world today, but I am sincerely offering my thoughts and prayers towards the world's healing. I pray that that would be enough.

As far as birthdays go, I never really made a big deal out of mine. Like the years before, today was simply a laid back celebration at home with my family ❤

Yay, cake!!!!

Thank you to all my friends, family and relatives who extended their greetings! You definitely helped make me feel that my birthday is worth celebrating despite everything going on. My birthday wish, as cliche as it sounds, is inner peace within all of us, and that our hope in the world never falters. "For where there is hope, there is love, where there is love, there is peace."

P.S. Thanks so much to my cousin who wins best birthday greeting award (aside from my mother, of course!!), who also made my new blog header!!! YAY!!! :)

Hopefully the hate subsides

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Maybe that's why when something happens, I tend to just go with the flow and with my instinct. I never act out of my will and I patiently wait for things to smoothen out.

But now I feel like I have to do something. Like, I can't just sit here and wait for the world to just be like what it once was, like nothing was different and nothing happened.

But the things is, I was never the kind of person who did confrontations because to be perfectly honest, I suck at expressing my feelings and emotions with words. So what exactly is my brain trying to tell me here?

I'm not so sure but I have a wild guess: Maybe it's trying to start to teach me to not be afraid to tell people how I feel, especially the people I care about. You think that's it? Yes, I think that's it, too.

I wanna scream at the top of my lungs

I suddenly want to just ramble on and on about silly random things nowadays, I don't know why. And I don't feel like broadcasting these rants over Twitter so thank heavens for my trusty little blog.

Something is going on and I'm not sure what it is or what it means. It's kind of scary and it kind of makes me happy and excited at the same time. But I don't know... I'm really not sure... One thing I'm sure of, though, is I did not make any sense with what I previously typed. Ugh, this is making me crazy... I've got tiny butterflies in the pit of my stomach and I can't help but think back to this morning and smile. :)

P.S. I currently have a mild obsession with John Mayer, hence the title. And I also would really wanna scream as loud as I can.

Why?

Today is kind of an on/off day for me. What's the other term for that again? Oh, mood swings. I thought I had already moved on from this phase but it seems that I have not. Who ever moves on from getting mood swings anyway?

I hate how I see myself acting towards certain things sometimes. I over think a lot so with that, comes over feeling, if you get what I mean. It comes to the point that I literally slap myself in the face just to jump back to reality. It's frustrating, really. I actually know the problem with myself, I just don't know how to fix it. I am too oversensitive. You see, my temperament comes from my dad and my being emotional is from my mom. I think my mother passed onto me double the size of her heart when she birthed me. Tell me, how can you fix such a thing like that? I know this may sound too dramatic, but it's really such a burden to carry all these emotions and no matter how hard I try to not care or even just care a little bit, I always end up opening my heart widely.

I remember my high school adviser asking me why I carry other people's problems on my shoulders. I didn't have an answer to that, actually, I just do.

That is my dilemma.

What goes around comes around

Let me recap what has been a rather emotional day:

• I went home from school feeling rather lonely and defeated.
• I spent time on Tumblr hoping it would drive the feeling away.
• I decided I should watch a good picker-upper movie, so I watched Two Weeks Notice.
• I cried at a couple scenes and the OST from Counting Crows made me depressed at first but then it cheered me up as well.
• A kind hearted lady, which happens to be our boarder, brought home ice cream and cassava cake which helped a lot in cheering me up.
• Then, finally I stumbled upon this new song by Katy Perry called "Not Like The Movies." I like it but it's kind of making me a bit depressed again...

Those are the days I don't need remembering

I think I now know why I stopped listening to OPM. It's ironic because you know what actually made me realize it? A song from South Border. Freaking South Border who sang that song from... I won't even mention it because then I'd start thinking about it and eventually, I would end up thinking about the past, which is contrary to what this post is about. You know what, actually, it just may be the opposite of that. Now I'm starting to confuse myself.

Anyway, aside from the fact & the main reason, really, that I lost my previous music due to our old computer breaking down, I stopped listening to and caring about OPM because they can directly translate my emotions on paper. And they make me cry a lot, or at least, they used to. I didn't realize that until I felt the same feeling when I heard Wherever You Are by Southborder on TV. It wasn't intentional, it was just there when I tuned in. And it totally just clicked in my head. Even if I wanted to, I didn't dare YouTube or Google the song anymore because I just know that it would be a slide downhill from there on which I don't want to happen.

And then I saw this:


Coincidental much? I think so. Now you know what this post is really about.

Photo credit

Out in the open

...

This afternoon I had an awful lot of ample time to myself and silence. But then I realized that having that kind of luxury isn't really good for me, at least, at this time. I know I may seem to be okay everyday, simply enjoying living under above average circumstances, given that it is the summer vacation, but this afternoon I realized that I'm not. After forcing myself to get out of my unhealthy trance, I wasn't even planning to write about it. But alas, writing about it seems to be the best idea right now to just let my so called "feelings" out to help loosen me up even for a bit.

I realized I still have a lot of undealt with issues up my sleeve and I don't know if I'll be able to actually deal with them soon. I mean, I want to, but I just don't know how. Being a secluded type of person won't help in the least bit, I'm sure. I'm still not good with expressing my feelings in words towards the people closest to me, the people I love. I think I got that trait from my mom, if psychological traits get passed on from parent to child. Anyway, more than half of what's built up inside me no one knows besides myself and God. So at this point in time, I'm just really totally open with one being and gosh, it's hard. But I have strong faith and I know and believe that He is and will be there for me no matter what the circumstances are.

So I'm pretty much still a mess right now after writing those two paragraphs. I think what I need is someone to talk to, like a stranger who's kind-looking and a potential friend and has unbiased thoughts about me, whom I would just spill all these thoughts and feelings to and he/she would just be there listening to me, offering kind words every now and then. Yes, I think that's what I need. But since I obviously don't have that now, I think reading Harry Potter or watching a movie will do as a distraction.

I'm feeling...

Happy.

Kilig.

Bittersweet.

Sad.

Content.

Excited.

Crappy.

Discontent.

Bored.

Sleepy.

Disappointed.

Broke.