So near yet so far...

Haven't written here in a while. My mind has been buzzing ever since I came home from school this afternoon and I guess I just need to let all these thoughts out...

My group in thesis decided that we're better off if we have our final defense next semester. It's a big deal because an INC grade will be incurred in our transcript. But a final grade will then be given after we've successfully defended our study. To be honest, I really didn't think we'd make it this sem. But I have a strong faith that we will finish strong next sem.

This whole thing definitely drilled a lesson in my head that I should really learn to prioritize things that I need to accomplish. The thing with me is, I do make lists of things to do but I rarely scratch them off one by one. They are most likely to be scratched off all at the same time, which is really not the way to do it. This is simply one of those life challenges I have to successfully conquer to be able to move on with my life. So yeah, lesson definitely learned, and I'm hoping to take this with me long after I graduate.

Bus rides to work

One time I was meeting friends in UST and I caught myself saying how I enjoy riding the bus when I go to work. It's not in the sense that I haven't ridden a bus prior to having my OJT in Makati but more on enjoying the bus ride because of the people I get to ride with. See, I like people watching. It's relaxing for me, and more recently it's actually quite become a hobby of mine whenever I go out. Not that I mind their business, it's just figuring out the who, what, where, when, why and how of a certain thing about people that catches my eye. For example, whenever I see someone with their headphones on, I always wonder to myself what kind of music or which artists are they listening to.

This one time I got lucky because I found out what the person I was seated next to (she was a girl) was listening to. From P. Noval to Ayala Ave. I was listening in on her playlist (because the volume on her headphones was that loud). It was personally entertaining because I was playing a game of "guess the song" with myself. Hahaha. So you can imagine that I never really get bored during bus rides to work.

Here's the playlist:

1. Rebecca Black - Friday (What a nice way to start the day, I thought then. NOT.)
2. Rihanna - Hatin' On The Club
3. P!nk - Raise Your Glass
4. Katy Perry - Firework
5. Usher feat. Pitbull - DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love
6. Glee - I Feel Pretty/Unpretty
7. The Script - The Man Who Can't Be Moved
8. Britney Spears - Hold It Against Me
9. The Script - Breakeven
10. Rihanna feat. Drake - What's My Name

I missed maybe a couple songs because I couldn't hear them very well. Anyway, I shared this with my friend and he said that it's like the girl and I shared the same music library haha. I agree, I do listen regularly to those artists, with the blatant exception of Rebecca Black.

If there's one thing I'm gonna miss once I'm done with my OJT, it's definitely the riding the bus to work. What with the [unintentional] sharing of music, as well as sharing laughs when I ride with my co-OJT's, it helps play down the tiresome hours I spend on a desk job everyday.

Positive outcomes only!

I don't get people who seem to be pessimistic even about the simple things. Like, how can they not have the slightest bit of positivity when they are obviously well and alive at the moment?

Realizing this made me think about our thesis. I'm almost done with my OJT (I've only got a week to go) and the next big thing I need to face before I graduate is Thesis 2 and lately I've been kind of allowing my pessimism to take over. In general I'm a very optimistic person but knowing what we've been through in Thesis 1, I couldn't help but succumb to the negativity. But I know there will always be light at the end of the tunnel...

And that is why after my OJT I will start looking into our thesis and figure out how we're gonna build it from the ground (not literally, of course, hehe). I believe my groupmates and I will be able to do this. Maybe some challenges will present themselves along the way but despite them, we can accomplish this if we set our heart and minds to it and have faith. Having strong faith goes a long way in this lifetime so why not arm ourselves with a chock-full of faith in times of hardship?

I hope that we all succeed in our own endeavors, whatever they may be!

If I had a world of my own

That feeling of helplessness when you pass by a book sale but you don't get to browse and have a look around to try and find something you like. Yep, that was me this afternoon.

If only I had the luxury of time and of course, the money, I would buy all the books I want to read.

Clearly, Alice knew the same feeling all too well... Case in point:

Except, in my world, not everything would be nonsense. The world will revolve around books. The only sensible thing would be reading books all day, everyday. Instead of worrying about thesis and other "nonsense," I would allot that time to reading more books. Books, books, books. If only I had a world of my own...

Note: I don't really think school work are nonsense, I believe all of what I'm working for right now will be beneficial to me in the future (i.e. being able to graduate). I only said that for parallelism.

I confess...

I've always wondered how it is like to be in someone else's shoes but there are just some people whose shoes you wouldn't want to be in. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just being honest here. I'm the type of person who doesn't interact or even try to be civil with you if I don't like you. I know I'm totally ruining people's perception of me right now. I'm sorry if you're disappointed. I just don't like pretending. I mean, if you pretend to like a person that you really don't like in the first place and then you talk crap about them behind their backs, isn't that a much worse attitude? That's what I think. But. (See, I have a saving grace.) But, if you get the chance to prove me wrong and make me get to know you and at least like you a bit, then it's possible that I'll confirm your friend request on Facebook. I'm not a total b*tch, you know, I have a heart and it's kind of huge once you get to know the real me. :)

Another year has come and gone...

As I spend the last few hours of 2010 (it's currently 7:04 on my side of the pond as I'm typing this), I just want to say that this year has been so much fun. I had amazing times with friends, both old and new. I got to spend more time with my family, especially my parents, whom I'm so thankful for. Most importantly, God has been so kind and good to me and my family for keeping us healthy and helping us in ways that only He can. 2010 has definitely been a blessed year for me.

Now, as I await to partake in the celebration of ringing in the new year, let me share a list (of course, there's always a year-ender list, right?) of the movies I've seen this year. 2010 has been a fantastic year for movies with Toy Story 3, Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland, Inception, and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 just to name a few that made big bucks this year. I have a total of 100 films watched this year but that includes previous releases as well as movies that I already watched before but decided to watch again.

So here's a list of the films released in 2010 that I've seen (in alphabetical order):

1. Beauty and the Briefcase
2. Charlie St. Cloud
3. Date Night
4. Dear John
5. Despicable Me
6. Diary of a Wimpy Kid
7. Easy A
8. Eat, Pray, Love
9. Get Him to the Greek
10. Going The Distance
11. Grown Ups
12. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
13. Inception
14. Iron Man 2
15. Kick-Ass
16. Killers
17. Leap Year
18. Letters To Juliet
19. Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief 
20. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
21. Remember Me 
22. Salt
23. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
24. Sex and the City 2
25. Shrek Forever After
26. Shutter Island
27. Takers
28. The Back-up Plan 
29. The Bounty Hunter
30. The Karate Kid
31. The Last Song 
32. The Social Network
33. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
34. The Town
35. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse 
36. Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland 
37. Toy Story 3
38. Valentine's Day
39. When In Rome

Wow, 39 movies. And I confess, I didn't watch all of that in the movie theater (because I don't have that much free time and money, LOL).

In the new year, I look forward to watching more movies, hopefully I'll top this list this time around next year, and also, reading more books and discovering more new great music as well as going to shows of my favorite artists, I am very much looking forward to seeing Taylor Swift & Bruno Mars in 2011!

So cheers to what has been a wonderful 2010 and what will be a much more amazing 2011! Happy New Year!!! :)

Extended Christmas weekend

It feels so good to be back in front of my computer!!! I've missed being online! It's crazy (in a very good way) how my Christmas went. It started last Thursday (23rd) when my dad, my brother & I picked up my other brother from the airport and then we headed to my mom's office for a Christmas party. The next day was already Christmas eve so we were busy then preparing for the Noche Buena. Then it was Christmas day when the clock struck 12. We talked, ate, and laughed as we opened our presents. Mama got a new camera, Papa, a digital stereo for the car, and I got a new phone!

The morning after, we decided to go watch "Si Agimat at si Enteng Kabisote" at SM North and I must say, that could easily be one of the few times I have seen such a huge crowd and have been a part of it. We actually ended up watching the movie two times because when we entered the theater there were literally no more place to go and so we weren't able to watch properly. There was even a man who got so irritated that he just decided to give his seat to me and walked out. Bless him. Anyway, so that was how we spent Christmas. It doesn't stop there, though.

Yesterday, we went home to Binangonan for a dinner get-together with my mom's friends. I was saying how I think I'm already sick of the sight of food but I was wrong. It's pretty much different when food is just right in front of you looking oh so delectable. So there I was that night, after having eaten so many, pondering on whether my pants would still fit me after the holidays. I guess I'm gonna find out sooner rather than later...

It's always fun spending time with my mom while she's with her friends, who are all like aunts to me and my brothers. It's nice to think about how in the future I will be in that situation hanging out with my high school friends at 50 or at 60. But another thing made me happy that night (aside from my mom winning the raffle, hehe). It was when some of her old classmates, who haven't seen me until then, were saying how much I look like Mama. I don't know why but it makes me all tingly inside when they say that they can see my mom in me in her teenage years, just as I am today. So that was what happened yesterday.

So now, finally, I can talk about today. I was supposed to bring my phone at a Nokia Care Center today but that didn't happen so I just went shoe shopping. Papa went with me to the mall and then we had lunch. Afterwards, we headed to Makati because I needed to claim my prizes from a contest I won courtesy of etc. I love the stuff they gave away!!! I'd post pictures but I'm too lazy, I apologize. The prizes were a Glee poster, t-shirt & notebook, a Vampire Diaries poster, t-shirt, journal (which I really like because it even has photos of Paul, Nina and Ian!) & neck pillow. It was definitely worth traveling far for, haha.

And now we go back to me sitting here and just enjoying some internet time. There's simply no place like home.

Hi

 
It's going to be December in just two days. Where does the time go, seriously? And what have I been doing this first month of my semester? It's like I want to scold myself for being so happy-go-lucky when I should really be worrying about what my thesis topic would be. But I know myself well enough to know that when I really need to get work, I get to work and try my very best to focus. I don't like that I can't get it out of my system to be such a crammer but hey, I'm only human.

So, really, what have I been doing these past few weeks? Well, for one, I just spent my long weekend in front of the computer only getting up to eat, go to the bathroom and sleep. Typical me. I watched Easy A and Charlie St. Cloud the other day, which are both good movies in their own ways (namely Penn Badgley & Zac Efron, respectively). Now I just finished watching Beyonce's I Am... World Tour special and I'm still not over it as I'm listening to the audio (Now Playing: Hello). Yes, aside from going to and coming from school, with lots of learning in between, of course, I'm still same old me who's life isn't complete without music. On Friday night I was up until almost 2 in the morning just obsessing with Rihanna, watching her tour videos. If someone would pay me for obsessing with music and all related topics, I'd be rich by now. But no, that's not how life goes. Speaking of, I'm really trying hard to be thrifty in order to save money for Taylor Swift's concert in February. See? I guess I should look for a job in the future that would include "Pop Culture Knowledge" in the job description. Hahahaha.

Anyway, I just remembered I haven't really blogged about HP7 yet, have I? I tried writing a draft post a couple days ago but I just ended up deleting it. Let me get to that later or maybe tomorrow.

For now let me just leave you with my new favorite quote that I picked up from Charlie St. Cloud:

Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward. -E.E. Cummings

Oldie but definitely a goodie

Just earlier this afternoon I was sitting on the couch watching Channel V and Backtracks was on. Usually, I don't sit through it because I know they play really old music that I don't recognize but every once in a while they do play stuff that I'm familiar with, like music I grew up listening to and enjoying, which actually makes me feel old. Anyway, the very first music video they played was of Alanis Morissette. I didn't know the song but the simple beauty of the melody struck me so I continued watching. The song was "That I Would Be Good".

Once I heard the lyrics, I knew that it would go straight to my favorites list. Why didn't I know about this song before? It was actually first released in 1998 from Alanis' fourth record Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie. Then, an acoustic live version of the song (video above) was recorded during a session for MTV Unplugged in 1999. It was released as a single for the album Alanis Unplugged the following year. Where was I in the year 2000? I think that was 4th grade and I was around 9 or 10.

As I was saying, I was simply mesmerized by the lyrics and its simplicity. I'm either a lyric person or a music person but more often than not, I guess I'm a lyric person and that's why I absolutely fell in love with this song. It just has that certain personal sense to it. No matter who you are or where you're from, I'm sure at some point you can or were able to relate to what the song says.

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

Hopefully the hate subsides

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Maybe that's why when something happens, I tend to just go with the flow and with my instinct. I never act out of my will and I patiently wait for things to smoothen out.

But now I feel like I have to do something. Like, I can't just sit here and wait for the world to just be like what it once was, like nothing was different and nothing happened.

But the things is, I was never the kind of person who did confrontations because to be perfectly honest, I suck at expressing my feelings and emotions with words. So what exactly is my brain trying to tell me here?

I'm not so sure but I have a wild guess: Maybe it's trying to start to teach me to not be afraid to tell people how I feel, especially the people I care about. You think that's it? Yes, I think that's it, too.

I wanna scream at the top of my lungs

I suddenly want to just ramble on and on about silly random things nowadays, I don't know why. And I don't feel like broadcasting these rants over Twitter so thank heavens for my trusty little blog.

Something is going on and I'm not sure what it is or what it means. It's kind of scary and it kind of makes me happy and excited at the same time. But I don't know... I'm really not sure... One thing I'm sure of, though, is I did not make any sense with what I previously typed. Ugh, this is making me crazy... I've got tiny butterflies in the pit of my stomach and I can't help but think back to this morning and smile. :)

P.S. I currently have a mild obsession with John Mayer, hence the title. And I also would really wanna scream as loud as I can.

Why?

Today is kind of an on/off day for me. What's the other term for that again? Oh, mood swings. I thought I had already moved on from this phase but it seems that I have not. Who ever moves on from getting mood swings anyway?

I hate how I see myself acting towards certain things sometimes. I over think a lot so with that, comes over feeling, if you get what I mean. It comes to the point that I literally slap myself in the face just to jump back to reality. It's frustrating, really. I actually know the problem with myself, I just don't know how to fix it. I am too oversensitive. You see, my temperament comes from my dad and my being emotional is from my mom. I think my mother passed onto me double the size of her heart when she birthed me. Tell me, how can you fix such a thing like that? I know this may sound too dramatic, but it's really such a burden to carry all these emotions and no matter how hard I try to not care or even just care a little bit, I always end up opening my heart widely.

I remember my high school adviser asking me why I carry other people's problems on my shoulders. I didn't have an answer to that, actually, I just do.

That is my dilemma.

Teenage Dream

Last night I caught the clock at 11:11 PM and did you know what I wished for? Good exam grades. The whole of last week was my preliminary examinations and boy, did I suffer through hell. But I'm glad it's all over know! All I have to do is await the results. I am seriously praying that I pass all my exams. Pray for me as well, it would mean a lot. :)

Right now I'm just trying to relax and enjoy my Sunday because we still have some projects to do this upcoming week. In the past few days I have built quite a long movie watchlist and it just seems endless to me so I will try to scratch off a couple films from my list today. I think I'll watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Fame, and The Secret Life of Bees.

And before I forget, last night something random came to me: I suddenly wanted to write to my friends via snail mail. I've never actually sent mail through the post office (my mom used to do it when we'd write to my brother abroad) so the thought of doing it excites me somehow. The surprise in their faces when they get the letter is exciting, too. Not that I'll get to see it, but I can imagine their reactions would be something like, "Wow, people still do this?" Haha. I like the thought of receiving physical mail so it will be kind of my way of telling them to write me back in snail mail, too. (This was actually inspired by someone on Tumblr who has a bunch of Disney Pixar post cards and he/she is asking for anyone who would want to be sent a post card.) But I would have to visit the bookstore first for lovely stationaries to write on. I can't wait!

P.S. My new theme is too simple, yes? I can't do anything with it anymore. :( Can anyone point me to the right direction where I can find wonderful blogger themes? Hehe. Thank you!

The Lovely Bones

Nobody notices when we leave. I mean, the moment when we really choose to go. At best you might feel, a whisper or the wave of a whisper, undulating down.

I just saw The Lovely Bones and a dream has solidified in me: I want to be in Susie Salmon's place after she died. I want to see how the world or my world will continue on living without me. I think that's the most curious part of the idea of dying. Of course we wouldn't know how it would go down unless we experience it firsthand. How would the people we love take it when we leave this world? Will we know their reactions? Will they still remember us after a long time?

I think that's why my concrete answer to the question am I afraid of dying is this: I'm not afraid of dying in itself but I'm afraid for the people and the life I will leave behind. Because I don't know what's going to happen afterwards. It's just nothingness right now. Pure uncertainty and nothingness.

And another thing, just like how Susie was able to see the "lovely bones" that had grown after she was gone, I would be a really happy soul if I would be sure that all the people I love would be okay, or better than okay, even when I'm gone.

Alright, alright, enough of that. Let me talk about the movie itself. I loved it, and maybe it's because I haven't read the book yet because from the comments I have read the movie is shit compared to the book. So now, my goal is to grab a copy of the book and sink my teeth into it. So, yeah, I think if you look at it as just a film and not compare it with the book, it's really a good film. It has a solid plot all throughout and it was just intense in some parts, which I really enjoyed. And can I just say that the girl who played Susie, her name is Saoirse Ronan, is soooo pretty. "You are beautiful, Susie Salmon," Ray Singh said. Yeah, I agree! Plus, she's really, really talented as well.

Everything is out there

Hi. I'm still alive but I barely go online anymore. Well, technically, I do come online but I don't get to spend my internet time on social networking anymore. It's like my life has really been solely focused on going to school then coming home and then back again. Oh well, that's the life of a college junior, I guess. I didn't think I could survive going on with my life without the internet for more than a day as it is how I spend every waking hour of my days when I don't have school but it is possible. When you're busy you simply don't think about these stuff. But I do think of the things I do (like wasting time on Tumblr, ha!) and the people I talk to online and how I miss it. You can tell how much of a web junkie I am from that last statement. Haha.

Since I got so busy with school though, I've been discovering these little details about myself as I interact with people in the real world. (Technically, it's just the real world as in "school world" since I rarely go out as well because of school works. How fun, right?) Some of these things I already knew but lately, as I experience things I end up drawing conclusions about these "facts".

I realized how severe I overthink things. It's like, when you ask me a question, an answer comes into my head but then I think it's not enough and when I come up with the "enough" answer, I scrutinize my grammar first before I can give you an answer. But the process of re-thinking can go on forever. It's like the neurons in my brain talk to each other for a long period of time and they forget to send me the information afterwards so I end up not understanding my own ideas. By the time I do, the asker probably has moved on to another topic/question. And I do this because I'm afraid to be told that I'm wrong. I'm afraid that's one of my biggest weaknesses. That's why I prefer writing than speaking.

It also dawned on me that I'm really not that good of a leader. I mean, I try my best if I'm assigned to be one but it doesn't come natural to me. I'm just good at barking orders. (Haha, not really, of course I ask people nicely and kindly.) I'm more of a team person, that is, when the whole team really participates. If not, I would just be really pissed off.

Isn't it ironic how by going out and exploring you end up finding things about your inner self? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I can't speak for other people but we could really use this better understanding of ourselves because in my opinion, when we know and understand how we function, how we think, how we act and how we respond to things, we end up making wise decisions for ourselves and probably less mistakes as well. And all will be well once we start to take that step of making positive change within ourselves first. Like what Michael Jackson said, "I'm starting with the man in the mirror". :)

Eclipse

Today I had a very much needed break from school by watching Eclipse with my lovely friends. Yeah, I know it hasn't been a whole month yet since regular classes started but I already feel like crap seeing as my only free time is Sunday. I should be thankful a bucket load of projects haven't been thrown our way yet or else I wouldn't know of the meaning of "free time." I don't even get the sense of "TGIF" anymore because Fridays are most sucky for me. Sigh.

Anyway, this post wasn't supposed to be about school, sorry about that. So I watched Eclipse with my friends this afternoon and I think, for me, it did not disappoint at all. It was actually an improvement from the last two films. (Although, this opinion might be biased because Eclipse was my favorite book of the saga.) I gotta say, though, that I enjoyed the extra make-out scenes between Edward and Bella. Major kilig factor. Haha. Screw Jacob and his doggy ways. I'm still and forever will be Team Edward although Jacob claims that he is "hotter". My friend says she's Team Jacob just because he's hot. And he's so cute as a werewolf. Well, I think vampires are more amazing, especially if he's as "old school" and gentlemanly as Edward. <3

I actually enjoyed hanging out with this certain group of friends of mine after a long time. I guess it was silly of me having thoughts about how it would feel different and maybe awkward because I haven't been normally hanging out with them at school unlike before. But it totally wasn't, though, and I like that. I think that just goes to show that you don't need spending time together most of the time to define friendship. Sometimes a little distance can do you good. And the best thing is you know you can count on them still even if you don't see each other all the time. :)

Out in the open

...

This afternoon I had an awful lot of ample time to myself and silence. But then I realized that having that kind of luxury isn't really good for me, at least, at this time. I know I may seem to be okay everyday, simply enjoying living under above average circumstances, given that it is the summer vacation, but this afternoon I realized that I'm not. After forcing myself to get out of my unhealthy trance, I wasn't even planning to write about it. But alas, writing about it seems to be the best idea right now to just let my so called "feelings" out to help loosen me up even for a bit.

I realized I still have a lot of undealt with issues up my sleeve and I don't know if I'll be able to actually deal with them soon. I mean, I want to, but I just don't know how. Being a secluded type of person won't help in the least bit, I'm sure. I'm still not good with expressing my feelings in words towards the people closest to me, the people I love. I think I got that trait from my mom, if psychological traits get passed on from parent to child. Anyway, more than half of what's built up inside me no one knows besides myself and God. So at this point in time, I'm just really totally open with one being and gosh, it's hard. But I have strong faith and I know and believe that He is and will be there for me no matter what the circumstances are.

So I'm pretty much still a mess right now after writing those two paragraphs. I think what I need is someone to talk to, like a stranger who's kind-looking and a potential friend and has unbiased thoughts about me, whom I would just spill all these thoughts and feelings to and he/she would just be there listening to me, offering kind words every now and then. Yes, I think that's what I need. But since I obviously don't have that now, I think reading Harry Potter or watching a movie will do as a distraction.

Every word feels like a shooting star

If you know me, you probably know how obsessed I am with music. Maybe you'll say that there's no such thing since most people do love music but in my case, the feeling is quite indescribable. It's like I love music too much to the point that I freak out to a really good song every now and then. And I have to tell you, no one has ever seen me spaz out. I do that in the comfort of my own room, thank you very much. My parents might have heard a couple screams and "OMG"s here and there but I swear, if you saw me in that certain state, you yourself would freak out because of me freaking out.

So why am I telling you all this crap? It's because of this:

The song is called Terrified (in the video, it's by Katharine McPhee feat. Zachary Levi).

If you watch this season's American Idol, you'll probably recognize the song as Didi Benami's audition piece in Hollywood Week (which made her my favorite). The song was written by Idol judge Kara DioGuardi and I just fell in love with the lyrics instantly. I loved it when I first heard Kara singing it in a demo and I loved it more when Didi sang it on AI and now, Kat McPhee has officially released the song with Zachary Levi a.k.a Chuck Bartowski of the TV show Chuck (!!!) and to say that I totally and absolutely love it more now would still be an understatement. That's how obsessed I get, pretty much.

I have this phase in which I tend to be all up on one song for a week and that song would be the only one I listen to, with the exception of a couple Rihanna songs here and there maybe, so this song is most probably going to be overplayed in the next week or so, possibly more than that. Especially that I have two versions downloaded on my computer. Haha. :)

P.S. Please watch Did Benami performing Terrified on Ellen [here] as well and tell me what you think! :)

Things I don't normally talk about

Death.

There's nothing concrete about the thing until you yourself face it. I mean, sure, there are various dictionary definitions and there could be a million or more assumptions about death and dying. But the thing is, our faith only takes us as far regarding this topic.

Yesterday, I found out about an online friend passing. I met her through a Rihanna forum and yes, she's one huge Rihanna fan. I've learned she was planning to see her world tour several times in different countries. She was 16 years old. She would have had an amazing future ahead of her if she weren't gone so soon. I, myself, despite my faith, question why things like this have to happen to people like her. I'm just human, it's simply an automatic response. But as I think through it, I remember what I have grown to believe, that life-changing instances like death happen for a reason and that reason is only known to God Himself.

I fear the day that I will get to experience losing someone I love so easily, though, for I am not sure how or if my faith will be enough to pull me through that certain stuation. The only closest loved one I lost is my grandfather from my mother's side, and it was somehow, someway acceptable since he died at the age of 90. And we're happy when he closed his eyes peacefully because we know that his suffering has ended and he is now in God's company. From what I have noticed, my Lolo's passing actually made the family grow closer. We were close before but whenever we have gatherings to celebrate his birthday or any other family occasion we have, everyone just have their little funny anecdote. Somehow, I think that's one reason God took my Lolo when He did, because he wanted us to live happier and more peaceful.

Talk of my parents dying is a different story. It's kind of my blind spot. My dad often gives me this talk about how we would eventually have to carry on with our lives without them soon, blah blah blah... Everytime he starts I just zone out. I listen but I try to distract myself so as to not be affected and break down in tears eventually. I know that that is an inevitable situation but I'd like for my parents to still be here when I get married, you know, and have grandkids that they'll get the chance to raise and take care of. (Oh dear, God, hear my prayers.)

Sometimes I think I become very afraid of death to happen before my eyes to my most cherished loved ones that it has invaded my dreams and turned them into nightmares. I remember vividly how my best friend and my brother died in my dreams. Such horrendous situations, if you ask me. So terrifying for me, actually, that on the two occasions that I dreamt about it I woke up sobbing. Like, literally tears were overflowing from my eyes. I'd rather have Dementor nightmares than this kind of dreams any night.

I can't forget what I always remember

I typed that out just wanting to sound clever (and have something to post on Tumblr) but now that I read it over and over, it clearly makes a lot of sense to me, personally. Oh, how clever my unconscious is.